Rose was pregnant.
We thought this was an engagement party, but my cousin, Colton, went and added the fact they were having a baby.
I wasn’t prepared for this. Just like I wasn’t prepared to
hear the news with dozens of people around me. Especially not someone who hadn’t stopped watching me no matter how I silently wished he would find something, anything else to look at.
Everyone was clapping, giving hugs, and squealing with excitement. Some were already bombarding Rose with questions about baby showers and such. Yet, all I could do
was grip the stem of my champagne flute a little tighter and hope with literally every part of me that no one expected my enthusiasm.
I didn’t want to come off as a petty bitch who couldn’t handle her friends’ happiness. Besides, Colton was my cousin. This was about more than friendship alone. They
were going to expand our family. But no matter how much I tried, I was frozen to my spot, a wave of anxiety rolling through me.
The announcement felt like a complete kick in the stomach.
“Shit, I didn’t expect them to start popping out kids for a while yet.” As usual, Lucian found an eloquent way to express himself. He looked at me, then at Evan, and was
clearly let down by our lack of a reaction.
“Fine,” he mumbled, draining his glass. “Guess I’ll go congratulate them or something.”
He didn’t know—at least, I didn’t think he did. Nobody had ever mentioned us in the years since our fling fizzled out, so I had always assumed Evan was just as tight-lipped
about it as I had been. Only my twin sister knew, and even then, I wouldn’t have told her if I thought it was something I could’ve hidden from her. One of the downfalls of having a twin, I guess.
I scanned the room, seeking her out, finding her standing with an arm around Miles’ waist as they waited their turn to congratulate the parents-to-be. Twins had a funny way of understanding each other. It was like she felt me watching her, though she only offered a bright smile and tried to wave me over. When I stood still, her smile slipped away, and worry lines etched themselves across her brow.
All those years ago, lying on the bathroom floor.
Weak.
Dizzy.
Trying to pretend as if it had never happened. Then mustering the strength to ask my sister one thing while she witnessed me at my worst.
“Promise me, Aria. Promise me never to mention this ever again. I want to forget this. No, I need to forget this.”
“But, Val…”
“No!” My frail voice reverberated throughout the bathroom as she looked down at me and whispered, “I promise.”
Now she got it.
We were on the same page.
And I kind of hated her for it because we were never
ever supposed to talk about that awful night.
If I went on as if it had never happened, then it couldn’t be true—out of sight, out of mind, and all that. This eighteen-year-old logic had worked well for me over the last decade. Besides, it wasn’t something I could afford to dwell on.
If I did, it might consume me.
I downed what was left of my champagne before deciding to go for something a little stronger and less sugary. I didn’t need a killer hangover in the morning. With the bar in Rose’s kitchen pretty much less crowded now that everybody was gathered around the happy couple, I could fix myself a proper dirty martini, which I downed before pouring another. Why not? I wasn’t driving.
“Can you believe it?” Sienna was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet when she found me drinking alone.
“That is going to be one beautiful child. I can’t believe the idiot didn’t say anything,” she added, referring to her brother, Colton.
“I guess they wanted it to be a surprise,” I pointed out with a shrug. “Anyway, we all know now.”
“No wonder they went to dinner with the parents earlier instead of inviting them here,” she mused, gathering a few empty bottles and rinsing them in the sink. “I guess they
must have broken the news then to make it more special.”
“I’m sure it was special,” I agreed, torn between nursing the martini and chugging it. There wasn’t enough vodka in the bottle to soothe the throbbing ache in my chest or the
sarcasm on the tip of my tongue. “I mean, breaking the news in front of a bunch of strangers at a restaurant?”
“You sound like somebody pissed in your martini glass.”
She was still laughing joyfully when she made this observation, totally oblivious, probably a little tipsy and over the moon at the idea of being an aunt.
For the first time in ten years, I wished I hadn’t kept things a secret. Maybe then she would understand the gut punch of being reminded all at once of what could have been. Then again, what difference would it make? I’d have everybody feeling weird and awkward around me when it came time for announcements like this. I didn’t want that either. I wasn’t anybody’s object to pity. Anything but that. “It’s a little loud in here,” I mumbled, sipping slowly since I was no longer alone in the room. “Just a headache. That’s all.”
She looked like she didn’t believe me but knew better than to press me on it. I wasn’t exactly what anybody would call patient on a good day, and this was not shaping up to be
the best.
What would it have been like being a mom all these years? That was a stupid question, completely impossible to answer. I gritted my teeth against it and bolted back what
was left in my glass when Sienna wasn’t looking. I wouldn’t be able to get away without congratulating them, so I returned to the living room and made a point to smile and
be happy while waiting to talk to the happy couple.
“You are just the person I wanted to talk to,” Rose told me after a hug so tight I was glad to escape with my ribs intact.
“This is really going to mess with the wedding planning. I don’t want to be super far along.”
“We don’t have to think about that right now,” I told her since there was only so much I could handle all at once.
“But still,” she insisted. “It’s really going to push things up. Are you going to be okay with that?”
“Sweetie.” I took her face in my hands. “It is so like you to worry about everybody else except yourself at a time like this. But I am telling you, everything’s going to be great.”
That was what I did. I told people things they needed to believe while I took the brunt of the weight of figuring things out. I’d sort of made a career out of it.
“Yeah, don’t insult her.” Colton winked at me. “She’s the most organized, kick-ass person I know. She can make miracles happen. Can’t you, Valentina?”
“Butter me up all you want, cousin,” I told him. “I’m still charging for my services.”
At least that got Rose laughing instead of being so anxious. “I just don’t want anybody to be put out too much. Though I still want everything to be perfect,” she added.
“It will be. Didn’t your baby daddy just say so?” If I could make jokes, that meant I’d be all right. Didn’t it? It was just a surprise, that’s all. Nothing more than that. I could handle
this. After all, I had handled it all these years, carrying a secret I couldn’t imagine sharing with anybody but my sister, Aria. But then, that was only because I didn’t have a choice.
I was a grown woman with experience under her belt.
My own business, a phone full of contacts representing an enormous network of clients and associates. I had my shit together.
Life turned out the way it was meant to.
Somehow, I couldn’t quite swallow the thought as truth. Nor did it stop me from craving another drink with my entire being. Anything to ease the persistent ache in my
chest.
I promised Rose I would visit her office on Monday morning so we could go over a revised timeline for the wedding. If anything, it would give me something to focus on that didn’t involve my fucked-up past poor decision making.
Where the hell was Evan?
I didn’t want to see him. Something told me I wouldn’t be able to hold it together if I did. With any luck, he would be in the process of working his way into some dumb girl’s
panties by now.
Usually, a thought like that would make me snicker to myself. Like most men, he was ruled by his dick. Add looks and money, and you’d end up with a recipe for a guy who
could get laid just about anywhere any time. I’d normally laugh off the constant search for pussy. At most, I’d roll my eyes and make jokes about buying stock in a condom
company. Now, though, the idea of him moving on with his night without a second thought left me thirstier than ever.
I returned to the kitchen and refilled my glass, ignoring the excited and semidrunken chatter around me. When was the last time I had tried to numb myself like this? I couldn’t
afford to think of it that way, not in front of so many people. This was self-preservation, pure and simple.
“Whoa, there.” I didn’t notice Noah coming up behind me until I stumbled while turning away from the bar. He caught me laughing softly. “Maybe you need to slow down a
little,” he suggested.
Maybe you need to mind your own business.
Right, because that wouldn’t look completely out of line and out of nowhere. “I’m good,” I assured him, and I even managed to give him a little smile. “Really. I’m fine.”
The idiot insisted on leaning back and waving a hand in front of his face.
“You smell like you just took a bath in a bottle of Smirnoff,” he informed me. “How many of me do you see right now?”
“Fuck off.” I ended with a laugh, and he joined me, but those lines between his eyebrows didn’t shift even a tiny bit. If anything, they got deeper. No matter what he thought, I wasn’t so drunk I couldn’t see straight.
“Sienna said you have a headache,” he explained because suddenly everyone was obsessed with me.
“Maybe this isn’t where you need to be right now.”
“Since when are you my nanny?” I grumbled. His head snapped back a little. I’d gone too far. “Sorry,” I offered, trying to cover for my attitude. “I guess I have had too much.
Maybe I should go home so I don’t ruin anything.”
“Nobody said you were ruining anything.” He reached out to awkwardly pat my shoulder. “It happens. Remember the night I drank all that tequila and wound up face down in the middle of your living room? Who helped me clean myself up?”
“That was sort of selfish on my part,” I reminded him as I flinched at the memory. “I didn’t want my first apartment stinking like puke.”
“The point stands.” With a grin, he asked, “Do you want me to get you home? Make sure you get in okay?”
I was tipsy. I wasn’t fall-down drunk. “No, it’s cool. I’ll get an Uber or something.”
He wasn’t listening, too busy lifting a hand to get Evan’s
attention. “Hey! Evan!”
“Not necessary,” I warned, though it was too late.
Dammit, I should have left before now.
It’s not like anybody would have missed me except maybe Aria, but then she was busy canoodling with our stepbrother and boyfriend, so she probably wouldn’t notice
I was gone.
Shit, I had drank too much. Whenever I started getting depressed and dark, that was my red flag. Evan had heard him and was now coming our way, weaving in and out of clusters of guests. Why did he have to look so good?
When we were kids, he was cute, even hot. Soulful dark eyes, a jaw so sharp it could etch glass, not to mention the way he was blessed with a naturally tall, slim body that put him half a head taller than most people in any room he entered. In other words, he garnered attention. My attention, to be exact.
Ten years had taken him from a cute kid to an incredibly sexy, intriguing man. Sure, he could be a pain in the ass with his irreverent sense of humor and the fact he sometimes forgot how to censor himself, but I knew where that came from. I knew him better than our friends thought I did.
“You don’t look so good,” he told me, looking me up and down while running a hand through the wild, dark hair he always wore just long enough to curl around his earlobes
and the nape of his neck. “Are you feeling all right?”
He was trying too hard to pretend he didn’t know what I was going through. If it hadn’t been for the look we exchanged right after the announcement, I might have
believed him. I mean, he had no trouble moving on after us. After what happened. I doubted there was a single day he looked back on the time and wondered what life would look
like today if things had turned out differently.
“Can you see her home?” Noah asked as if I wasn’t
standing right next to him.
“It’s fine. I’ll get an Uber,” I insisted.
It was better to ignore Evan. I had worked so damn hard to put everything behind me, to forget. Now, here I was with everything thrown in my face all over again. I couldn’t look at him. It was too hard.
“I can at least ride with you,” he offered. “There isn’t much of anything interesting going on here anyway.” He looked around, smirking. I didn’t have to ask what he meant
by that. A party always led to him getting his dick wet.
“Wouldn’t want to stick around to support your friends,”
I muttered. I would have guessed he didn’t hear me, but the clench of a muscle in his jaw told me otherwise.
“Great. Thanks.” Noah gave my shoulder another awkward pat. It was obvious he was proud of himself for taking care of me. Such a hero.
None of this was his fault. I had to remind myself of that as I ducked into Rose’s bedroom closet after fighting my way through the guests. Being a lifelong friend offered certain privileges, and I took advantage of the brief moment of quiet, breathing slowly and letting my muscles loosen. I considered leaving a note on the nightstand to explain why I
left early but decided against it. What was I supposed to say anyway? It’s too damn hard to be here right now, so I’m running away. Sure, that would work. I rolled my eyes at myself on
my way out of the room, heading straight for the front door in hopes of escaping before Evan could find me. Of all people to be holed up in a car next to, he was the furthest
down on my list.
Luck was not in my favor. There he was, waiting for me, offering a tight little grin before opening the front door and ushering me through. Well, this didn’t have to be terrible. It
was only a ten-minute ride to my apartment in Hudson Yards. We didn’t even have to speak.
I should’ve known better.
“Did you have dinner tonight?” he asked, seemingly out of nowhere, on the way down to the lobby. The air in the elevator car felt too thick, too challenging to pull into my
lungs. And he wanted me to think about when I last ate?
“I had a salad,” I told him after thinking about it.
“When?”
“I don’t know. Three, maybe? I had a busy day.”
“That’s a late lunch. Not dinner,” he grumbled. “No wonder the booze hit you so hard.”
“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” I whispered once the doors opened to the lobby. It was a relief to get out of the elevator and put a little space between us while checking
the app to see if the car was getting closer. “The driver’s just rounding the corner now,” I told him, glad for the excuse to hurry out of the building. The cool, wet air hit my face once
I reached the sidewalk, remnants of the day’s rain. The light mist offered me a moment to breathe, a complete contrast to the suffocating warmth shared in the elevator. He opened the door for me when the Range Rover pulled up in front of the building but said nothing until we were on our way.
“It’s early,” he offered. “We could stop off someplace, grab something to eat. I’m starved.”
Why couldn’t he leave me alone? That was all I wanted, more than anything in the world. To be alone. To let the mask drop, crawl into bed, and maybe spend all of Sunday
there wallowing.
When I didn’t say anything because I didn’t trust myself to, he continued, “Is that Chinese place on the corner still good? I remember I loved their orange chicken.”
My molars ground hard before I grunted. “Yeah, they’re Good.”
“I’ll place an order now.” He was already on the phone, opening an app and adding items to a cart.
“What would you like?” For you to shut the fuck up and leave me be.
I would have liked him to stop trying to insert himself into my life. I would have liked to ask him why the fuck he cared so much all of a sudden when ten years ago, he didn’t
give a damn.
I didn’t trust myself to permanently ruin our relationship, so I settled for, “Dumplings and an eggroll would be good. And wonton soup,” I added, imagining the shape I’d
be in tomorrow. Soup would be easy to heat up.
“Got it.” His knee bounced up and down as he gazed out the window to his left. We were crawling down 34th Street, moving so slowly we may as well not have moved at all. I
could’ve walked home faster than this.
Why the hell was nothing going in my favor tonight?
When the spicy, familiar scent of his cologne hit me all at once, tears sprang to my eyes. He was still wearing it. Not always, since this was the first time in a long time I recognized the scent.
Of all nights, he would have to wear it now.
I could still remember being wrapped in his sweatshirt, the scent all around me as I sat on the foot of his bed.
***
“Are you sure?” He hadn’t closed his mouth since it fell open when I gave him the news. I wasn’t sure he had taken a breath like he turned into a statue before those three words tumbled past his lips.
“I took three tests. They say you have to wait a few minutes, but the lines showed up, like, instantly.” I ran my hand under my eyes to catch fresh tears.
How did I have any moisture left in me after crying my eyes out in the hours since I took those tests? Wondering what I was supposed to do. Whether he would hate me or
think I tried to trap him by getting pregnant.
He crossed the room slowly, then sat down next to me, putting a hand on my leg but not saying anything for a long time. I wanted to give him a minute to get himself together, but at the same time, I would die if I didn’t know what he was thinking.
“Are you okay?” I finally whispered. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean
for this to happen. I thought we were being safe.”
“Me too.” He scrubbed his other hand over his face before running his fingers through his thick, black hair. Eyeing the suitcases in the far corner, waiting to be taken to Harvard, he
muttered, “Shit. We’re not ready for this.”
“I know,” I sniffled. “I get it.”
“I mean, we literally can’t handle it,” he insisted.
“I hear you.” I also heard what sounded like anger creeping
into his voice. “You don’t have to tell me that. There is nothing
you could say that I haven’t told myself already today.”
“Does anybody know besides me?”
“Only the woman who was at the register when I bought the
Tests.”
“Magnus would fucking kill me if he ever found out.”
And that was when I knew. He had no intention of ever telling anybody about us, about the baby, any of it. What did I expect? For him to suddenly have a change of heart? Realize how much he really cared about me, that we were more than just a fling one summer between high school and college? Ice pierced my veins before I brushed his hand off my leg.
All of a sudden, the thought of being touched by him was repulsive.
“Don’t worry,” I told him, getting up. “Dad never has to know. Nobody has to know. Your life won’t change in any way.”
“Wait. Don’t start that shit with me.”
It was like he deliberately wanted to find the worst thing to say. Like I needed him to have an attitude with me on maybe the most emotional day of my life.
“Here.” I pulled off his sweatshirt and tossed it on the bed, straightening out the T-shirt I wore underneath. “I don’t want to inconvenience you.” He muttered something halfhearted, but that was it. No getting up, no hugging me, or asking what I needed.
How could I have been so wrong about him?
I ignored his weak-ass attempts at stopping me from leaving his room and his life. Not that it was possible to ever really be out of each other’s lives, with him being best friends with my cousin, but we would never get back what we lost.
***
“We’re here.” His sudden announcement yanked me out of my haze of memories and into the present, where we sat double-parked in front of the brightly lit takeout joint.
Now, there was nothing for me to do but go along with him since I knew he wouldn’t stop until he got his way. Time might have changed a lot of things, but it hadn’t changed
That. I just had to go through the motions of getting this over with so I could be alone with my pain
